The First IEc Olympiad

IEc takes its work very seriously, and we have all been working long hours lately, so it was a little surprising when I received a recent email from the Staff Welfare Committee:

"The Olympic Committee (aka Staff Welfare) is proud to announce the 2014 IEc Winter Olympic Games!"

The email was complete with a customized IEc Olympics logo, and announced five Olympic events:

• Chair Race (in which competitors take turns pushing a partner around the office in a desk chair, competing for the lowest combined time), 
• Ice Toss (in which competitors toss ice cubes into containers of varying difficulty, ranging from trash cans and pizza boxes to coffee mugs), 
• Tabletop Curling (in which competitors slide rolls of tape down the longest conference table into designated scoring positions), 
• Pin the ___ on Office Staff Members (in which competitors pin the glasses on the IEc President, pin the hair on the head of the Staff Welfare Committee, and pin two beer bottles in the hands of the production manager), and 
• Olympic baking contest (in which competitors bake Olympic- or foreign country-themed treats, or incorporate a weird ingredient that is still delicious, and are judged by fellow officemates)

Within minutes of receiving this announcement, junior staff members were suddenly engaged in frenzied negotiations for chair race partners (the other events are all individual). I teamed up with my running friend, Dave. However, I was also honored to be included on an email chain of "small people" looking for similarly pocket-sized employees to push each other.

Dave and I quickly decided that we were serious competitors who needed serious uniforms, so we showed up on the first night of the chair race competition in black spandex and ski goggles. No one else opted for costumes that night--though I should note that several others followed our lead on the second night of chair racing, which was held two weeks later.

The course was an adrenaline-inducing obstacle course weaving its way through cubicles, conference rooms, and around corners. Multiple brick walls and wooden pillars stood in the way. Smartly, the IEc Olympic Committee routed the course to avoid glass walls. Nevertheless, it was a nailbiter of a race, and Dave and I were wishing we had also worn helmets and elbow pads.

Anyway, I think our costumes helped because Dave pushed me to set the record for the fastest time around the course--30 seconds! I wasn't able to match that, coming in at just over 40 seconds, but our combined score left us in third place at the end of the night, first place in the coed division. The two teams beating us consisted of 6'-tall men, so I felt pretty accomplished. After the second round of chair racing, which was just completed on Thursday, Dave and I officially took the gold medal in the coed chair racing division. Woohooo! (Although that probably deserves an asterisk because there were only three coed teams participating.) It is also worth noting that minimal damage was incurred during the chair races, although one cubicle wall was dented in a heartbreaking crash by an early favorite, and another panel became dislodged in an enthusiastic sprint-that-couldn't-turn-fast-enough. All's well that ends well, right?

Dave and me at the starting line for the first-ever IEc Olympic chair race.

The other events were not as adrenaline-filled. The ice toss allowed you five ice cubes and 30 seconds to score as many points as possible by throwing the ice into containers of various difficulty. I came away with a totally respectable but unremarkable 22 points after landing ice cubes in a pizza box, trash can, and printer paper box. I unfortunately missed the high-difficulty cereal bowl and coffee mug.

I also gave a solid performance in tabletop curling, ending up with 55 points and two of my three tape rolls in scoring position.

Unfortunately, I struggled at Pin the ___ on the Office Staff. In my defense, there were two important reasons why: (1) I was supposed to be taking an interview candidate out to lunch at the same time, so I rushed to take my turn first before they had time to fully explain the rules, even though I was pretty sure the candidate would have understood if I'd explained why I was going to be late to lunch (I even suggested that maybe the hiring decision should be made based on the candidate's performance in the game); and (2) related, I assumed that like every other game of Pin the Tail on the Donkey ever, you have to pin the tail (or whatever) where your hand first touches the wall. The Committee failed to mention until I was already blindfolded and at the wall that I was allowed to spend as much time as I wanted feeling around for the edges of the paper and doing mental calculations. Where's the fun in that? What a silly way to play the game! So anyway, I earned a better-than-nothing 10 points (plus 10 for participation, yay). And it just wouldn't be the Olympics without a judging scandal.

Actually, there have been numerous protests about the judging. The IEc Olympic Committee has been changing rules left and right, including failing to decide how to allocate points and medals until the games were underway. Thank goodness the Olympics only come around every couple years so we have some time to iron out these crucial organizational shortcomings.

All that brings us to Monday, when the fifth and final event - the baking contest - will be held. I currently stand in 7th place overall with 147 points, and my chair race partner Dave is in 2nd with 202. The leader, an RA named Sam, has 210 points after getting perfect scores in both the ice toss and tabletop curling. No matter what the results on Monday afternoon, the final event should be a good one since everyone wins by getting to eat delicious food.