21

In 5 days, I will be more than two decades old, and that's a scary thought if I've ever had one. Twenty-one years is a crazy long time to have been around!

I remember feeling big and important when I turned ten. Double digits, yeah!! I was in the highest grade at elementary school and certainly those kindergarteners thought we were pretty cool. We'd "hang out" instead of playing at recess and gossip and start clubs devoted to our utter awesomeness. Then we moved on to sixth and then seventh grade, and suddenly we were the babies of the middle school. When I finally got to high school, I really thought I was about as old and grown up as I could get. I'd waited for years to play on a varsity sports team! Then I went to college and that was a "whoa there" moment. Hold on a sec--college students are OLD. College students are, like, part of the real world or something. College students have their life together.

Yeah right.

Here I am, a rising college senior and almost 21 years old and I still haven't a clue what I'm doing. I'd hoped that a semester in Botswana would give me some eye-opening guidance on what I wanted from life, but all it did was confuse me more. What do I want? Do I want to go to grad school? When? To study what? Do I want to spend a year or two working internationally? Where? Doing what? Do I enjoy teaching or working with people or do I want to travel like Mpelo or settle down and devote myself to family like Dimakatso? Do I want to live somewhere with stars and trees and open space to explore, or do I like the convenience and excitement of the city? Do I take the GREs? What do I write my senior thesis on?

I loved the slow-paced, family-focused life in Botswana, but it's becoming ever more clear that that way of life is not applicable in America. I find myself rebelling against the idea of school and competition and working to get ahead, but that labels me as "unmotivated." Am I unmotivated? Is this a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Sometimes, too, I feel like a giant hypocrite. I keep wishing that someone out there had the answers and would just tell me: "Claire. Write your thesis about underwater basketweaving. Apply to these grad schools then take a year off and work here. Then, you know, six years down the road, get married, have three darling children, adopt a dog and a cat, and spend your time writing and baking chocolate chip cookies."

Gosh that would be nice, but here I am teaching high school kids that the way to live is to explore and ask questions yourself. I'm teaching them that the process, not the answer, is important. And I genuinely believe that. It's just that it's so much easier if you have the answers.

I remember four years ago when I was applying to college. Dad told me, "I can't wait to see where you end up!" I agreed with him at the time: "Yep, me too. Won't that be nice when I know." Well, here I am, four years later, wondering the same thing. Where will I be four years from now?

Wouldn't it be nice to know.